What's wrong with Breaking Dawn? A LOT! (But I still love it.)

Sorry for the long break between posts. I have no excuse to offer up other than the fact that I forgot my Blogger password and couldn’t log in until I figured it out. I feel like such a dumbass. Fear not, though, because I have it written down now, in case I experience another premature Senior Moment and forget it again.

OK, I am now officially done reading the Twilight Saga in its entirety, and, despite the way it kinda jumped the shark by Breaking Dawn, I still declare it AWESOME!!! Where did I leave off? Oh, yes, I was covering Eclipse, and Bella was at a tribal gathering/BBQ held by the Wolf People. So she’s hearing all these legends and whatnot, and there is this one about someone called the Third Wife, a mortal human who was the third wife of the leader of the ancient werewolves. Anyway, she sacrificed herself to save the lives of her children by plunging a knife into her heart so the vampires would be distracted by her blood and come after her instead. Bella, martyr that she is, takes a shine to this particular legend and tucks it away in her head for future use.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention this in the last post, but this whole time Edward is kind of bugging Bella to marry him, and in fact, won’t even DO IT with her until she has become Mrs. Edward Cullen. Hmm…I don’t know if Stephenie Meyer purposely put these abstinence-friendly undertones in her book or if it just kind of happened accidentally, but I think it is ironic that there is something in a book about vampires and werewolves that the fundamentalist Christians can get behind. Anyway, in some classic Bella Swan pretzel logic, she is totally ready to pledge her immortal soul to Edward for all eternity by letting him or Carlisle change her into a vampire, yet she’s not quite ready for a commitment like marriage. Not to trivialize marriage or anything, but compared with becoming one of the undead, a signature on a marriage license doesn’t really seem like that big of a deal. Yet Bella has issues with it, because she feels that eighteen is too young to get married. A very sound argument for most people, but not for Bella because-DUH, if she is planning to become immortal, she’s going to be 18 forever!!! Even Edward seems like he wants to slap her when he explains that. It’s kind of aggravating. Here’s Bella- “Oh, I love you and need to be with you forever. I can’t breathe when you’re not around. Never leave me- oh, wait, you want to marry me? Um, I don’t think I’m ready…” Ehhh…as this series progresses, I find myself sort of rooting for the Volturi to swoop in and set Bells on fire. Sorry, but it’s true.

Anyway, in an ultimate power-play, Edward decides to hold the whole marriage thing over Bella’s head, saying he won’t let her get all up on his sparkly, cold vampire junk until they’ve been pronounced man and wife. He goes ahead and proposes to her with his mother’s (his real mother who died in 1918, not Esme) engagement ring, and she accepts, albeit in true Bella style, with lots of pouting and grimacing. (Really, I’ve never seen anyone “grimace” more than all the main characters in the Twilight Saga. I think grimaces are to Stephenie Meyer what ellipses are to Judy Blume.)
And now, back to the main plot- Victoria, the vampire whose boyfriend James got killed by Edward and Company in the original Twilight book, is out for revenge, but her target is Bella, not the Cullens. The way she sees it, the best way to get revenge on Edward for killing her mate is to kill his so he has to live with the grief and pain of it all. While Bella is on house arrest over at the Cullens’ house during Edward’s hunting trip, someone (presumably Victoria) sneaks into her bedroom and steals a bunch of her clothes and stuff so she and the other vampires can track her oh, so delicious scent, and now they’re on their way to get her!! Oh, no! The werewolf tribe is all over this, though, and are all set to tear it up in the woods. Unfortunately, though, some of the werewolves have mixed feelings about fighting alongside the Cullens. They develop this elaborate plan for Bella to go around all over the place, spreading her scent through the woods, and then to get carried away by Jacob, so that the vamps lose the scent and it gets replaced by stinky old werewolf-smell. In this way, they lure all the vampires into one area of the forest so they can attack them.

Oh, and there’s this one really funny part where it’s freezing cold in the tent where they are camped out overnight, waiting for the big showdown. Bella is really cold and her icy, rock-like boyf Edward can’t help warm her up, so to save her from frostbite and/or hypothermia, he has no choice but to allow Jacob to snuggle her with his 108-degree body all night long. Woo-hoo!! The best thing of all- Edward can hear every single thought Jacob has, and not all of them are 100% virtuous. They have a great little snide-comment war and it’s all very bitchy and fun.

Then morning comes (or nightfall- I can’t always tell what time of day it is when these showdowns happen) and the wolves and Cullens fight the bad vampires (complete with Bella pulling a Third Wife stunt and trying to get their attention away from her beloved by cutting herself), but it turns out that Victoria is not with them, and is in fact on her way to come kill Bella with her new little vamp-boy toy. Of course, all this drama has to take place right during Bella and Edward’s high school graduation (which-you guessed it!- Bella prepares for with more grimacing) Anyway, since Alice has already graduated about 37 times in the past century or so, it’s no biggie for her and the rest of the Cullens to ditch graduation and take care of Victoria, which means getting ripped to shreds and set on fire, which is apparently the way to kill vampires these days. Wooden stakes are SO 10 years ago! That’s pretty much it for this one.

Breaking Dawn:
OK, first of all, this final installment of the series is nearly twice the size of all the other books- we’re talking 750 pages of pure vampire-y goodness! Well, maybe not “goodness,” because as I mentioned before, if the Twilight Saga was a TV series instead of a book series, Breaking Dawn would be that awkward last season where they’re just desperately trying to wrap things up for a big finale, complete with the cute baby who rapidly ages a la Chrissy Seaver from Growing Pains.

This book opens with an engaged Bella at a gas station three days before her big wedding day. As per uzh, she’s too busy being all pissed off about being the center of attention to notice anyone being nice to her. I mean, OK, I just paid for a wedding myself this year, and I would like Bella’s life for one second where my biggest problem is that my rich future in-laws want to pick up the tab for a big lavish wedding AND buy me two new luxury cars on top of it. I mean, I think most girls would be ecstatic not to have to worry about how to foot the bill for any of this, but as we are always reminded, Bella is NOT LIKE MOST GIRLS. True to form, she’s like, “Oh, waa, waa, everyone’s going to be looking at ME, and my awesome, fashion-forward vampire sister-in-law has gone all out to make this the greatest wedding ever. I hate everybody!” I really sort of want to punch her in the head. Alice, by the way, is even more awesome than usual in this book- the lengths she goes to for this wedding and the subsequent honeymoon would put Martha Freakin’ Stewart to shame. Yet I don’t fully understand why she or any of the other Cullens even bother wasting their time and money when they know Bella’s going to act like a total ingrate.

Anyway, so like I said, Bella’s at the gas station and a few dudes come and admire the car her future hubby bought her- a Mercedes Guardian, which apparently is bulletproof, missle-proof, tank-proof, probably nuclear radiation-proof, etc. I went on the Mercedes website to see if such an awesome car actually exists or if it is simply the brainchild of Ms. Meyer- there is no such thing as a Mercedes Guardian, but there is a model called the Guard, which is armored and bulletproof, though not to the same extreme extent as this Guardian. Bella, of course, is just so embarrassed to be driving around in a flashy Mercedes instead of her janky old beater truck. Ugh. Shut up, Bella.

So we get to the wedding day, and we find out that Jacob has run far, far away into the woods, bent on staying in his wolf form forever, so incensed is he that Bella is marrying a “bloodsucker” and will obviously become one herself in the near future. His dad and a couple of the other werewolf contingent show up to represent at the wedding, though. Alice spends all morning making Bella look all glammy in her World War One- era wedding gown, and what thanks does she get? Big fat none- dumb old Bella won’t even look in a mirror when she’s done. I mean, who doesn’t look in a mirror on their wedding day? I consider myself a simple gal, and my wedding dress was merely an off-white sundress with some flowers in my hair, but you couldn’t stop me from looking in every available reflective surface that day. True story. If you can’t admire yourself when you’re the bride, when can you, eh? But Bella’s like, “Oh, I look all dumpy and plain next to my dreamy, super-hottt fiancé and all my new vampire in-laws, so why bother looking?” Shut up, Bella.

Anyway, so the wedding commences and all that lame, uncoordinated Bella can think of is that she’s probably going to fall down the stairs in her long dress. Yes, Bella, we get it- you’re a clumsy hot mess who could probably stub her toe standing still. Must you keep reminding us? Shut up. So she manages to get down the stairs and Edward looks all dreamy, and of course she suddenly really wants to get married, because, as Stephenie Meyer keeps unintentionally reminding us, the Edward/Bella romance really lacks depth, and the only thing that should ever matter when choosing your partner for all eternity is that they look smokin’ hot, right? Seriously, these two wouldn’t last a year in the real world, if all they do is spend their time alternately grimacing and glowering, looking anguished, and saying stupid things like, “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” Then again, since vampires don’t have to eat or pee or do laundry, I suppose they would avoid all the usual little tiffs about leaving dishes in the sink, folding the towels the right way, and leaving the toilet seat up, wouldn’t they? Hmm. Still, though.

So they are pronounced vampire and wife (ha ha, not really) and go on to the reception, which is lavish and beautiful- Alice has gone all out, once again with no real thanks from Bella. For a change, Bella spares us the usual tantrum that goes along with having to dance in public, and consents to have a first dance with her hubby. Edward even chokes down a bite of cake when they feed it to each other! (Only to cough it back up again in private, I would assume. Hot!)

As the dancing and festivities continue, there is a big surprise- Jacob has come to the wedding after all! (Presumably in his human form) He asks Bella for a dance, and all is going smashingly until she sort of lets it slip that she and Edward are going to, erm, do some consummatin’ on their honeymoon. He gets all peeved that Edward would do such a thing, since his bride could easily be accidentally smashed to death with his superhuman strength if he isn’t really careful. He storms out of there after a heated little exchange in the shadows. Bella’s like, “Hmm, my best friend has changed back into a wolf, possibly never to return again. That sucks- oh, well, time for the honeymoon!” and leaves for a secret, undisclosed location with her groom. (I don’t know, but I think if I were Bella’s mom and dad I’d be a little alarmed that my daughter’s new husband won’t tell me where he’s taking her on the “surprise” honeymoon. Sounds sort of alarmingly Tom Cruise-y to me, but whatevs, I guess…)
So they get on a plane that stops somewhere boring like Milwaukee (I forget where, exactly) and then take a connector flight to Rio de Janeiro- which would be a totally sweet honeymoon spot for mere mortals. But Edward, not being a mortal, takes it to the next level and sails Bella out to a secluded island that Carlisle bought for Esme, called-are you ready?- Isla Esme. Try saying that five times fast!

OK, maybe I’m the weird one here, but I’d be quite skeeved out if I knew that my new in-laws had gotten busy in the very bed I’m about to use. Bella doesn’t seem to care, though- she busies herself looking through the honeymoon luggage Alice packed. Yes, that’s how awesome Alice is- not only did she go above and beyond as a wedding planner, but she also went out and bought a whole new wardrobe for Bella to take on her trip. And what thanks does she get? Only stupid Bella being all butt-hurt that her comfy old sweats aren’t in there, and “grimacing” some more at the (probably La Perla) awesome frilly lingerie she packed. Shut up, Bella! I think that if my new sister-in-law bought me a whole set of matching luggage filled to the brim with elegant designer clothes, a grimace would not be my facial expression of choice.

Bella goes out to the water where Edward is all shimmery in the moonlight, and it is presumed that they GET IT ON!! WOOOOO!!! I say “presumed” because there is a disappointing lack of actual detail when it comes to the sex scenes. I mean, I get it that these books were originally intended for a young adult crowd and should therefore rightfully be kept PG-13, but leaving it out entirely only to join our newlywed couple the next morning in a bed that has apparently been broken with feathers from the dismembered pillows everywhere sort of begs for a bit more detail. But that’s all we’re going to get, apparently- broken bed, feathers everywhere, and an uncharacteristically blissed-out Bella waking up from her night of rapture. (Because, as we all know, that’s exactly how your first time always goes. Awesomeness and rapture. Sure.) Edward, unfortunately, can’t leave well enough alone and is glowering in a corner about the bruises he unwittingly inflicted upon his new wife. (I swear, Edward “glowers” nearly as much as Bella “grimaces.” And they both "shudder" too much, too! Remind me not to invite Mr. and Mrs. Pouty-Pants Cullen to any couples’ Scrabble tournaments!) Bella’s all, “You didn’t hurt me. It was awesome- let’s do it again!!” And Edward, who is undeniably the strangest 98-year-old teenager I’ve ever read about, is like, “No, I never want to do it again while you’re still human.” You’d think after an 80-year dry spell, he wouldn’t let a few little bruises stop him for a second go, but as you know, Edward is a GENTLEMAN!

So actually, this part is quite funny- Bella has turned into a little hornball, now that she knows what she’s been missing all this time, and goes all out to try to get her hubby to have another little throw-down. Meanwhile, Edward tries to pack her day full of exhausting activities such as snorkeling and eating large quantities of food so she’ll be too tired to be in the mood. So basically, Bella spends most of her honeymoon bloated, stuffed, and sleeping for 12 hours a day. Nice!! One night she decides she’s going to use sex as a bargaining chip a la Edward himself, and tells him that if they can DO IT more often, she will take her time about changing into a vampire and will stay human and even go to Dartmouth like he wanted! Yes, nothing screams “healthy marriage” like making college plans against your will in exchange for a little nookie. Also, she finally embraces the concept of the naughty lingerie Alice packed for her and dons a little lacy black number. Well, Edward can’t resist all that, and next thing you know, it’s Honeymoon Th'ow-Down Part Deux!

Bella wakes to discover that, to both of their delight, she doesn’t have bruises this time. Edward sees that he was able to get it on without accidentally almost killing his wifey, and relaxes a bit about the sex embargo. They start honeymooning for real. (Side note: maybe it’s just me, but I think the whole rough, bruising, bed-breaking, feather-spewing action they’re engaging in is in direct contrast to the way their relationship’s been set up in the past three books. If Edward’s supposed to be all gentlemanly and World War 1-ish and in constant obsessive fear of Bella’s safety, it seems that their honeymoon fun would be more on the tender, schmoopy side, not WWE Smackdown. But what do I know from sweet vampire lovin’?)

All is well until one night Bella stuffs her face with some chicken that doesn’t taste right, only to get food poisoning and start barfing every hour on the hour. When she goes into her first-aid kit for some Pepto Bismol (also packed by Alice, no thanks from Bella!) she notices a little box of tampons also thrown in there (though Stephenie Meyer never actually says the word “tampons”- she just calls it a “little blue box.” Heh.) and realizes that she should have had to use the contents of that little blue box by now. Oh, noes!! Bella’s preggers!! She realizes upon looking in the mirror that her abdomen is quite distended, perhaps the way a woman who is a few months pregnant might look. (Which begs the question, however did she fit into those black lacy outfits if she is already gaining preggy-weight?) However, even Bella is smart enough to realize that there is no way she could already be experiencing morning sickness and a big tummy only three weeks after her missed period (yes, Stephenie Meyer DOES go ahead and say “period,” much to my surprise). And besides, her husband is a vampire- they can’t have children, right? The couple hastily calls Dr. Carlisle Cullen to describe the circumstances. He tells them to come home right away. While they’re on the phone, this two-week-old fetus starts kicking Bella as though she were already about 6 months along. WTF? Obviously vampire babies incubate a bit more rapidly than a human baby. They beat it home and tell Bella’s dad some cockamamie story about her catching some South American virus and needing to be quarantined. Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot- the South American cleaning lady who, I guess, cleans up all the feathers and splinters from shattered bed frames, takes one look at Bella and starts screaming in Portuguese about evil and whatnot. Apparently the people of this region have some experience with this brand of supernatural phenomena (store that in your mind-grapes for later, yo- it will come into play.)

Well, she’s got a little bloodsuckin’ bun in the oven alright, but they can’t ultrasound the lil’ bugger because there is apparently too hard of a placenta thingy around it, being a vampire and whatnot. They all realize that if Bella tries to deliver this thing, whatever it is, she is certainly going to die, and they really just sort of want to get rid of it- except Bella has suddenly gotten all maternal on us and decides to keep this baby or whatever it is even if it kills her. Wait a tick- did we just get a pro-life message and an abstinence-until-marriage message in the same book??? I certainly hope Stephenie Meyer didn’t really have a hidden agenda for this storyline. Anyway, all the other Cullens and Jacob (who has resurfaced in time to see this whole thing happen) all think she’s nuts for wanting to sacrifice herself for something that might be a terrible, bloodsucking monster. (Obviously they have never met Bella or they would realize how she relishes the opportunity to be “selfless.”) Anyway, the only one who is onboard with the whole Vampire Hybrid Baby thing is Rosalie, the only Cullen who has never really cared for Bella. Suddenly she is all about her, taking care of her and never leaving her side. Everyone, including her own parents and siblings, sees right through her protective sister-in-law façade and understands that she is living vicariously through her because she never had a baby of her own.

About 3 weeks into Bella’s pregnancy, she looks like she’s about 8 months along, and she is way sick- she can’t keep any food down and the baby keeps breaking her ribs with its superhuman kicking. She takes it all cheerfully, of course-well, cheerfully for Bella, that is. As we know, nothing makes her happier than when she can sacrifice her own well-being for a paranormal creature. She is convinced that the baby is a boy and wants to name him EJ, or Edward Jacob. Everyone else is convinced that it is not a baby at all but some sort of crazy parasite draining her of life as they speak, but she and Rosalie won’t let them get it out of her. She still can’t keep any food down and has developed a very interesting craving- for human blood. Dr. Carlisle hypothesizes that Lil’ Baby Vamp needs blood to thrive, and therefore Bella must drink it to get it to him. She has a cup of O-neg, finds it delicious rather than hideous and disgusting, and begins drinking blood regularly. She starts looking better again.
One night, clumsy ol’ Bella spills her cup o’ blood, something you never really want to do in a house of vampires. Suddenly it’s a full-on blitz, and the resulting commotion puts her into early (VERY early, since she’s been pregnant for about 4 weeks at this point) labor. Carlisle and a couple other Cullens are out hunting, so he’s not there to help her. Edward decides to go ahead and deliver the baby himself, changing her into a vampire with a syringe of his own venom straight into her heart the second after she has the baby. She goes through the torture of being “changed,” which she describes as feeling like she’s on fire for about two days. Fun! Oh, yeah, and before she blacks out, she sees that the baby is a girl and names her- wait for it- Renesmee. A hybrid of her mom, Renee, and Edward’s mom Esme. Feel free to barf now. Stupid celeb names like Apple and Suri sound downright adorable compared to Renesmee.

Until now, I forgot to mention that Breaking Dawn is split up into separate “books,” with different narrators for the different books, kind of like a BSC Super Special, only with more vampires. Anyway, Bella took the first book, about the wedding and honeymoon, so we could get the full impact of her whining and grimacing, and Jacob narrated Book 2, which covers Bella’s odd pregnancy and his resentment towards her and all the Cullens for putting her though that. So, as we end Book 2 and little Renesmee has been born, Jacob is about to go ahead and kill the hybrid baby, convinced it is pure evil and that he owes it to his wolf-people to rid the world of her and all that. But then guess what? He sees that Renesmee has Bella’s eyes, and suddenly “imprints” with her!! Oh, wait, haven’t I mentioned imprinting yet? Well apparently, the werewolf tribe does this instinctive thing where they know exactly who they are supposed to be with all their lives from the first moment they look at them. They call it “imprinting,” as in, they have imprinted themselves on the person’s soul, and once they have imprinted, it’s a done deal. Here’s the weird thing- they can imprint with anyone of any age, and since they really don’t age that rapidly, they can just wait for the object of their affections to grow up and then marry them. One of the other boys in the wolf pack has gone ahead and imprinted with a two-year-old, and though it sounds quite skeevy, nothing gross ever happens- they act like their caretakers, big brothers, etc. until the girls are of age, and then it becomes something more. Which, yeah, I guess IS skeevy. So anyway, Jacob goes and imprints with Renesmee, and Edward is some PISSED!! So is Bella, once she wakes up from her vampire-changing experience. She’s all, “I want you in my life as my friend, not as my son-in-law!” Funny!

In Book 3 is where things really start to make no sense, story-wise. I mean, it DOES make sense, but in that convoluted way things do when the plot is all kinds of messed up. Bella’s got this baby now, and she has finally become a vampire, but unlike any other “newborn” vampire that ever existed, she is able to control her bloodlust and still be her normal self (because she’s SPECIAL, remember?) Since she’s no longer human, she doesn’t have to deal with the inconvenience of recuperating from childbirth, and within an hour of waking up from her big change, she’s learning how to jump really far and scale tall trees and whatnot. It is also quite convenient that little Renesmee (who, by the way, already looks like at least a 6-month old baby because of her rapid progression) is more vampire than human when it comes to her eating habits and prefers a bottle of blood over breast milk or formula. So Bella can leave her for long periods of time with Grandma Esme and Grandpa Carlisle whilst she goes on her first hunting adventure, etc.

Also, she and Edward can have some crazy vampire “relations” all night long, now that her non-human status has relieved her of the pesky need to sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, etc. Also, now that she is just as cold and rock-like as her hubby, they no longer have to worry about accidentally breaking any bones, bruising, black eyes, or general soreness. So they do a lot of that (or, at least, Stephenie Meyer alludes to that fact, since she dammit never comes right out and gives us one juicy scene. Grrr!) Also, Esme and Carlisle give the happy couple a little Snow White-ish cottage in the woods as a “happy turning-into-a-vampire-and-having-a-weird-rapidly-aging-hybrid-baby” present. Here’s what’s funny: they are obviously so sick of how lame Bella always acts when she gets a gift that they purposely don’t go with her to see it for the first time. Finally Bella’s like, “Hmm, I must act difficult when I receive a gift.” I’m like, “Uh-DOY!!”

Then there’s also the entirely unbelievable debacle of telling good old Charlie Swan that his daughter, who just got married a month ago and who, BTW, no longer resembles the old Bella in any way AND has glowing red eyes, also is the mother of a week-old child who looks like she’s about 2 and a half. Without letting it slip that her in-laws are vampires and now so is she. Um, yeah, right. So Alice hooks Bells up with some brown contacts to hide the glowing redness (which must be switched out every few hours as her eye-venom melts the contacts. Neat!) and Charlie comes to visit. At first he doesn’t even recognize his daughter, since she has gotten drop-dead gorgeous, thanks to her venom infusion. So that’s Clue #1 that all is not right. Then, for Clue #2, they bring out Renesmee with some stupid Baby Boom-ish story about how she is Edward’s cousins’ child whom they have adopted because the parents were killed in an accident. Naturally, though, since Renesmee looks like a perfect hybrid of Edward and Bella, Charlie’s like, “Oh, come on!” So they have to acknowledge that something is definitely off and they are quite different, but they won’t say the V-word. Instead, they just tell Charlie that it’s a supernatural thing and he’s on a need-to-know basis with everything. Which Charlie takes surprisingly, unnaturally well. But then again, he just found out that his best friend’s kid and all his friends are werewolves, so maybe he’s just kind of used to it.

Then it gets boring for a while. Blah blah blah, life is idyllic and Renesmee is so smart! She can walk and talk and looks like she’s about 4, but she’s like a month old. To break up the monotony, Renesmee gets spotted by this vampire chick, Irina, who is a member of a fellow coven of “vegetarians,” with whom the Cullens hang out on a semi-regular basis. Since kids aren’t usually the type of thing you see with a family of vampires, she jumps to the conclusion that this kid is one of the “immortal children,” a type of vampire kid that was banned by the Volturi centuries ago. See, back in the day, some vampire women got a craving to have some young’uns, so they just decided to bite little human babies and toddlers and turn them into adorable vamp-kids. One problem, though- you know how difficult a regular human kid can be to control when he hits his Terrible Twos? Well, imagine that toddler going on a rampage for human blood and drawing WAY too much attention to the vampire world. Yup, quite the disaster. So in an effort to minimize negative PR for vampires everywhere, the Volturi banned anyone from creating these lil’ monsters and also mass-executed the ones that did exist, as well as the adult vampires who created them in the first place. This chick Irina’s adopted vamp-mom was one of the ones who got executed for creating a darling little vampire boy, so she’s got a real vendetta against immortal children everywhere, apparently. She goes and tattles to the Volturi on them, and they decide a visit is in order.

Well, that’s all the Cullens need to hear. They go all psycho and decide they’re about to get wiped out. Alice and Jasper head for the hills, and everyone else is all, “WHAT?” Alice leaves Bella a cryptic note that leads to a guy who can make fake IDs for Renesmee and Jacob in the event that they have to be sent away to save her. This part is rather boring and redundant, so I’ll just skip ahead to the big showdown- Carlisle calls upon all his vampire brethren to come to Forks and testify as witnesses that Renesmee is not an immortal child, rather a vamp/human hybrid deal. It’s kind of like a vampire family reunion of sorts, and some of them have awesome powers. They stay and prepare for a while, and then one day the Volturi comes a-callin’. They bring their own army and have this, honestly, quite anticlimactic showdown during which Bella uses her new ability to shield everyone from having the Volturi read their thoughts, etc. Long story short, Alice and Jasper return at a very crucial moment in the impending fight against the Volturi with another vampire/human hybrid kid they dug up from that same place in South America where the house-cleaning lady seemed to know something was up with Pregnant Bella. Upon producing evidence that Renesmee is, in fact, not an immortal child, the Volturi leave Renesmee alone and end up executing Irina for not getting her facts straight before telling on them. All’s well that ends well, and that pretty much wraps it up.
So, yeah, all in all, I still LOVE the lovely Twilight, but I think this last book was a tad far-fetched, even for a series about vampires and werewolves. Also, the characters had sort of become one-dimensional caricatures of themselves, also not unlike the lame last season of a TV show that used to be good. (Friends, I’m looking at you.) Rather than brooding in a troubled, tortured, James Dean-y kind of way, Edward has been reduced to a glowering, anguish-faced bit part who only shows up in the story to get it on with Bella and to despair over his family’s fate. The rest of the Cullens pale in comparison to their former selves in the first three books, and hello? Alice, the undisputed awesomest one of the bunch, is missing for like half the book! Lame!!

Also, not that I even thought it possible after Eclipse, but Bella is even more of a pain in the ass than usual! You’d think she’d be happy after the whole debacle with the Volturi is behind them, but at the end of the book she’s like, “We’re safe for now, but someday they’re going to come back and wipe us out.” Way to go, Debbie Downer!! Also, it is way stupid how her mother Renee, whom she once described as “her best friend”, never makes another appearance again after Bella’s wedding! Here’s Bella, assuming she’s about to get killed by the Volturi, and when it occurs to her that she’ll never see her mom again, she’s like, “Well, it’s better this way than to drag her into all of this. I’m glad we won’t see each other again.” Some best friend!! You know, my mom really IS my best friend, and we talk every single day. Believe me, if I dropped off the face of the earth to become a vampire and have a hybrid baby, she’d know about it! So that didn’t ring true.

What else was wrong with the end of this series? Oh, so many things- Jacob suddenly realizing that it wasn’t Bella he was in love with, but the girl who had been inside her all along. Ewwww!!! So basically he was all about Bella for all that time because one of her eggs would someday become his one true love? That is messed up in like 8 different ways.

Oh, yeah, and like 5 pages from the end, we find out that Jacob and Company are not werewolves after all, but shape-shifters, since the moon has nothing to do with their ability to phase into wolves, which is kind of the main werewolf thing. It’s like, everything we know is wrong! Oh, and in more disappointing news, stupid Bella never even drives the awesome Ferrari that her hubby purchased for her, because she feels it’s too ostentatious. Say it with me now- SHUT UP, BELLA!!!

So, while I give Breaking Dawn itself a big old honking F-minus for plot and content, it was still a page-turner and reading it made me so happy that I actually ran to my car one day on my lunch break, so excited was I to dig in to the book. So, if a book can get an F for storyline but an A for true reading enjoyment at the same time, that is my grade. And yes, that is a very odd combination, but that's how it is.

I still can’t help but love the Twilight Saga in that rampant guilty-pleasure way, the same way I love Dawson’s Creek and America’s Next Top Model and a bunch of other shows/movies/books that probably actually make me dumber as I enjoy them. I am all kinds of excited to go see the screen adaptation of New Moon (in theatres November 20, y’all) and am such a dorky fangirl that I will probably end up buying my movie soda in one of those ridiculously large collectors’ cups.
Tune in next time when I review Lois Lowry’s masterpiece, Anastasia Krupnik.